Groundhog DaZE
PART 1
Yesterday, I watched a groundhog waddle toward my back fence and pumped my fist. This wasn't merely a passing groundhog. This was my longtime adversary, a furry squatter who had spent the last two months trying to establish permanent residency beneath the front foundation of my house.
When I first discovered the hole, I filled it in and considered the matter settled. Surely the animal would understand that the neighborhood association had rejected its application. But, like Trump declaring victory over Iran, I celebrated too soon. The very next day, the hole was back, looking bigger and more confident than before.
I filled it in again, convinced that eventually the groundhog would become tired of continuously digging. Instead, it appeared energized by the challenge. While I was thinking logically, the groundhog was treating the whole affair as a construction project.
Thus began an escalating war.
My first major counteroffensive involved placing a concrete slab over the entrance. I stood back, admired my handiwork, and congratulated myself on my engineering brilliance. The groundhog responded by digging a crater large enough to make the slab disappear. I half expected to see it wearing a hard hat and operating a bulldozer.
At that point, I started throwing everything short of dynamite into the hole. I don't remember the complete inventory, but it included enough garlic to repel every vampire in Ohio, but to no avail. Nor did an entire bottle of cayenne pepper and garlic. My final assault consisted of an entire bag of Epsom salts, additional garlic, and cinnamon essential oil.
Apparently, that was too much even for my determined tenant.
PART 2
August 4. Still no sign of my furry adversary.I’m not sure what finally persuaded him to abandon his unauthorized renovation project. It may have been the cage I placed directly over his construction site. Perhaps he’d had an unfortunate encounter with similar accommodations and decided not to check in.Still, I’m not declaring victory just yet. I’ve been rope-a-doped by this sucker before—lulled into believing the war was over, only to discover that he had merely taken a tactical pause.For now, the front remains quiet. But I’m keeping one eye on the epicenter and the other on the horizon.
PART 3
A few days later, I spotted it heading toward my back fence, presumably in search of less hostile housing conditions. As he departed, I wished him well. I thought I had won the war only to see TWO holes dug in the same vicinity. I went on Amazon and purchased a cage.
Meanwhile, I poured concrete down the hole, emptied another bag of Epsom salt, basil essential oil, and more garlic in the holes. I also sprinkled the salt above ground after filling in the hole again. Day three and no groundhog.
I’m not going to declare victory yet, but for now, peace has returned to the neighborhood. I still glance suspiciously at the front foundation whenever I walk by. Once you've fought a groundhog insurgency, trust comes hard.
I was a little surprised to catch sight of my persistent intruder in the backyard yesterday. I figured he was long gone since I had seen no evidence of him for close to a month.My first thought was, “Here we go again!”But later, as I drove down the street, I spotted the little dude two houses over, just chilling.I nodded. The house was vacant, so I’m assuming he may have found himself a new habitat—one where there’s nobody trying to evict him.As I turned the corner, I gave him a little wave.Good luck, little dude. I hope the accommodations are more to your liking.